Tagline 1 - "A kingdom ruled by evil. A princess enslaved by passion. A warrior driven by justice."
Tagline 2 - "In a world of wicked kings and soldiers who rape and pillage, the sorcerer is the most powerful of all." Any tagline that mentions rape is a good sign.
Directed by Albert Pyun, esteemed creator of such classics as Cyborg and Captain America. Most of his movies star either Van Damme or Christopher Lambert. You should never watch any of them. Ever. Well, maybe Cyborg.
The Players -
-Lee Horsley as "Prince Talon" - A man this awesome exists only in legends. Combining the rugged good looks of Barry Gibb (Bee Gee's) with the classic charm of
Lothario, Talon is all man, all the time. He wields the mighty Tri-Sword (or whatever), which has 3 full sword blades (2 of which are missiles). Watch him taunt his enemies about their inferior schlongs.
-Richard Lynch as "Cromwell The Usurper" - Wielding a really huge sword and ruling with an iron fist, Cromwell seeks to conquer all. A fairly generic evil ruler, Cromwell does surprise us with some extra evil spice. He did personally execute the Queen and her two young daughters, which is cool. He is surprisingly untrustworthy.
-Richard "Bull from Night Court" Moll as "The Bloody Demon" - I don't remember his name, but he sleeps in a blood-filled bathtub made of human faces (which are alive).
The Setting - The story mostly takes place in "Ehdan". Ehdan is known for it's eclectic architecture. Any long shots of the city use stock footage of exotic cities, adding the subtitle "Ehdan" to let you know it's not Tehran, Cairo or wherever. Set building is eschewed in favor of simply filming Old World style European buildings. Thus, enabling Talon to run through Spain, France, and Italy in the same chase scene. Cheap.
The Story - A long time ago, in a kingdom far, far away...a generic fantasy legend was born. The first part of the story deals with Cromwell's ascension to the throne of Ehdan. He summons The Bloody Demon from his bathtub and together they conquer "all the known world". In a shocker, Cromwell doesn't want to pay up, so he shanks The Bloody Demon and throws him off a cliff. Cromwell proceeds to personally slaughter the King, the Queen and their two young girls. After getting his hand stuck to a tree with a crossbow bolt, Talon escapes and vows bloody vengance.
Years later, Cromwell is bored. He wants to kill the rightful heir (who is not Talon, for some reason). He kidnaps said heir, forcing his 80's attractive sister to enlist Talon's help. She offers him her vagina as payment. His response? Guess. Princess Whore gets kidnapped, forcing Talon to go fetch his booty call. "Tis for the nookie! Verily"
Talon, being the great warrior he is, gets captured. The next scene opens to reveal Talon crucified in the middle of a Kingly banquet. Not a Christ-style crucification but S&M-style (on a big, wooden X). Thankfully, he is sweaty, hairy and mostly nude. The local Shakespearian troupe appears as visiting royalty to witness Cromwell's wedding. The legendary "King Sancho" is among them.
Led by Talon's trusty sidekick "Rodrigo", a group of warriors crash this Wedding of The Damned. Before Princess Whore says "I do", Talon pulls the spikes out of the wood using only his arm strength, screaming "Cromwell" all the time. Dressed as Tarzan, Talon proceeds to slo-mo bodyslam and kill dozens, culminating in an epic leap to catch the Tri-Sword, which is slowly tossed into the air by Rodrigo (or whoever). This whole Tarzan killing scene is filmed pink lighting. This, combined with lots of hunky man flesh, makes Rat Brains uncomfortable.
Finally, he kills everyone and peace is restored. Time to collect the prize, right. Wrong. In typical 80's fashion, Talon would rather enjoy the company of his sweaty, dirty men then sleep with an 80's-hot princess. In fact, he doesn't have sex with any women. Truly a hero for all ages. Or maybe just the early 80's. The credits tell us to watch for Talon's continuing adventures in "Tales Of The Ancient Empire".
Best scene - A black woman's heart is torn out of her body by the glowing fingernails of The Bloody Demon. Or maybe when you see a man pull his own head apart.
Also, this movie contains the worst hair and beard makeup ever.
I learned that, if you are Barry Gibb, your hand instantly regenerates any damage it sustained. Even after having part of it torn off by a bolt, then being crucified through the palms, Talon comfortably wields the Tri-Sword like it was his cock. In fact, it is his cock.
Any film featuring King Sancho and Rodrigo is a classic.
According to a recent interview, Albert Pyun says production begins on "Ancient Empire" 10/07. Only 25 years later.
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